Mostly I am fine with Andy having autism. Mostly I have accepted who and how he is. Mostly I try to be optimistic and enjoy the good bits- and there are plenty of these. Mostly! Sometimes right out of left field I feel absolutely gutted for him. I feel incredibly sad for him and for what I wanted for him. Tonight inexplicably these feelings have been triggered by my daughter achieving another milestone in her young life. I am incredibly proud of her. Tonight her milestone is Andy’s yardstick. I need to let the feeling out and acknowledge it for what it is and continue on (get a grip?) Theory tells me I’m revisiting the grief cycle- it happens apparently. Emotionally we all have frailties. Right now this is mine. Tonight I won’t ignore it, won’t go for a run, won’t throw myself into some task. I will look it in the eye, have the confidence to share it with those I consider my friends. I will reflect on it, examine it, experience it and move on.