Concerns about our children’s futures must be one of the biggest concerns for all parents. In Andy’s case I must think about this several times each and every day. It will come as no surprise then that I periodically dream about it also. I awoke last night in some emotional turmoil. The dream had pushed all my buttons. I had been so very, very tired I had let Andy go away for a night. In the dream he was spending the night outside at a place I used to go fishing as a boy. Sort of camping in a little nest made from his quilts. I dropped him off telling myself he will be fine, don’t worry. He had his food and drinks. He immediately became engrossed in his new environment without acknowledging my leaving. I went home and went to bed and slept through a combination of tiredness and doing that trick where you try to push events out of your head. I awoke (in the dream) with the most awful anxiety and guilt and immediately made my way to the fishing spot to check on Andy. On route I discovered some of his juice bottles and a friendly woman who had seen him. I got to the spot and there was Andy seemingly oblivious to my presence but giving me an occasional side wards glance. His ‘nest’ looked unused and my heart was bursting with love, relief and guilt.
(Note: I had again written a piece about the lack of understanding carers have faced this week from various agencies and sources. Perhaps this says it better?)